These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
☠️☠️☠️
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
#dalle2
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”