I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
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Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
🙀🙀🙀😹
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.