H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
classic mixup
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.