God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.