My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine