Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
pizza
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.