“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.