Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.