WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better