if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds