Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.