I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.