Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
listen closely
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?