Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
tourist season
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?