I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Breaking news:
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks