when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My birthstone is kidney
Jokes on them. I took 10.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?