Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
You Might Also Like
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?