Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“What?”
– Jude
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.