It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid