Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
me and who
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Am I having a stroke?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.