[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
uncle dave has been through hell
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
mechanics be like
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade