*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.