*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.