I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
And then there were 4
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law