Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that鈥檚 long enough
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If Trump wins I鈥檓 moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Buying a well is money well spent.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it鈥檚 still six months away. Please send help.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.