My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging