Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.