Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
You Might Also Like
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle