Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.