I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
You Might Also Like
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child