*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Only a mother’s love …
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.