I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge