10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix