I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.