I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*