me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.