Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Spring cleaning checklist…
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Best spoiler warning ever
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.