Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.