Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
WWE is French for “yes”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.