Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
War & Peace
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us