Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
![]()
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
![]()
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything