The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Message from the dog groomers
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time