My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Sell your car
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.