ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Meow?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When I laugh on my period
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency