them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Holy crap this is wonderful
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed