Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“I took care of your clown problem.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Strange
After 35, your body ages in dog years
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?