i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it