Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
it’s either covid or clever vampires