Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“Why you watching this shit?”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.