Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.