100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
yeah no that’s fair
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?