My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.