When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
your honor my client chooses dare
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great